Confused and Named

Your arrival, a tropical thunder !
I did not expect you in my life.
You refused to take up space in my brain,
Instead, you firmly lodged yourself in my heart.

I could not ask you to get out,
I did not understand.
I did not know why it was all this
Why the sky was where it was, or the land.

I knew your name, not until later
I knew who you were, much later
But what I do not know even now,
Is why you?

You, with that smile,
Why should you smile that way,
Because it hurts when you smile,
That I wish you would cry rather

Fantastic, seemed the past.
I hated the future, until I was in it.
In it, later, I did realized
That above all, it did not matter.

My language was the all common one
Just stillness, muted silence
Was it cowardice?
Was it courage?

Soon, I will age
So will you, whether you bother or not
Someday, in those wither away times,
I hope to come across you

Toothless smiles, withstanding,
The old flame will still be strong.
Human hearts never heal, once hurt,
They burn away, forever, but never die.

Time will not answer
Spaces between us will not too
To me, you will always remain the boy I knew,
To you..... Does it matter what I will ever be?

Knocking at a lonely heart

Mangoes, stolen from the grove
Perfect round ones
To cater to your easy whim
I tried to do yet more

Sticks and stones I gathered
So you could have a nice game
And passed them on to you
You found no time to thank

Few days into the future
Saw me tagging along
You too busy to care enough
I was but yet another friend

Along those days, and into their fray,
Caught in some circle and lost,
I realized I cared a bit more,
Each time you were around

Tell you... Tell you not
Move out... Stay still
I played games with myself
And every time I lost, I smiled.

There was you,
And there was me...
Open fields and void skies
Stars a-few, and birds that soared

A million songs in my heart
Special ones when you smiled
Sad ones when we fought
And silence when you weren't there.

Flashes struck, needled with pain
Slowly it all faded,
Your smiles, your face, and you...
Memories cast away, mind benumbed.

Creases across my heart,
Crossed you away from the soul
Yet, someday if I see you, still,
We could play the stick and stone games.

Completely Bonkers

I was living under the sky called Dreams
Until forced by the stings of Humanity
I succumbed to build a roof called Reality
Overhead, with pillars of Evolution

Shocked by the troubles of Civilization
I built the walls of Security
And founded the home of my Life
Till it was trespassed by Society

Then, fed up with demands of Family
In constant pursuit of Money
That seemed to lure and lead to Mockery
I went in circles in this worldly Merry-go-round.

The full circle, and here I was, in Insanity
Against the tide of inner Psychology
There again I clambered into Illusion
And here was my second world of Wiser Dreams.

Alone in Magic

A river silent in all that moonlight
On a starry silvery though silent night
Made me, a wanderer, stop
And take in all that I could in a breath

Alone, among all that magic
I hoped nothing will come my way
For I had to stay up there
Till I could, if ever, have enough of that sight

Tragic stories it told me...
As wave after wave lashed the bank, silent
I wondered what kind of fury was contained within....
And stood, not just an observer, but a companion to its struggle

Wondering... the froth around on the pebbles
Formed distinctive patterns
That spoke eternal old stories...
I dared not call them ancient

I took it all in, the tales of yore...
More like, stories I could never speak out again
Somehow, without words filling the night space
The skies above and the earth below seemed strange

A stranger I was, not to them now
But to time... the time in the present
Before it all compressed into a moment
And I stood up, no more needed there

Maybe it was that special moment in eternity
A moment where nature voices its grief
And a moment where we become one with all
And all within the Everything

And away gurgled the river
To its destination, miles beyond
And I walked, strange steps, led by a stranger mind...
With a heart that knew.... and a mind that cared

Deja vu

I was surprised...
Shocked might be a better expression
Well, was it happening
Or was it a dream come true

I walked down the beach
And stood silent
With the waves lapping my feet
And the horizon shrouded in mystical light

I could sense it, the exhilaration
It was not simple surrender to the beauty
Nor any sense of fear at the totality
It was altogether different

The feeling... of having been there,
Someday, but some other time,
A sense of time illuminated,
A whiff of the past, and beyond...

The skies above lighting up
Yet, they turned a shade darker,
And I stood wide eyed
As I remembered I knew,

It wasn't new to me...
This place,
It was a revelation
And I smiled at myself,
And at the complete peace inside....

A letter.... with emotions

I am being formed...
Sshh!... wait and I will let you know,
Its meant to be personal
Hold it just within you, right?

There, the blots of ink that make me,
Form slowly on the paper...
A bond formed, that cannot be broken with ease
Let me wait and watch what makes me

She seems sad, yes its obvious,
I can see that straight mouth,
A soft sigh, she is unnaturally beautiful,
My writer, even with that pain in her eyes

She's penning something about getting a job,
Mailing someone about how she just missed it
"Missed the big chance", in her own words,
She has finished with me, and now is sealing me up

I can see nothing now, though
Just the rusty brown of the envelope,
Guess I must be on the way to whoever she sent me to,
And well, for now, must rest a while,

Hey!.. yes, I can sense the light
Guess the seal is opened, at last!
And well, I can now see the person who is reading me,
An old lady, guess she is the mother of the one who wrote me


Hmm... a pause... the lady sighs too,
Shriveled, she looks saddened,
Muttering something, she picks up the phone,
Must be to call up her daughter, and i must listen in here

"It's me dear, No don't get upset
I know its a loss, but then stay hopeful
We can manage through,
As we have been doing all along"

A pause again, I am sure she is hearing the reply
"Oh yes, go for the interview tomorrow,
And if by chance you miss it too
Come back home, child
At least here, you and me can be together"

She places the phone back on the cradle
And turns to me,
Silently, with shivering hands
She files me away...

I can't help but remain silent,
Among the other letters in the file,
How we hate bringing up bad news
My clan and I,

Someday later I may be reread
Or may silently waste away
Maybe i will be discarded soon
Whatever, now excuse me,
I got to get over my personal despair....

Communicating...

"Oh! So you won't come this time?
Well, not that I need you here
Maybe if you came over
I may never even care"

"Well, you will come next time?
If you do, I may be different
You could drop by
And we could laugh together"

"We could walk over greener ways
Or maybe stare at bluer oceans
Would you care a coffee by the lake?
Maybe silence among the stars"

"And when you decide to be here,
Decide for sure
Many more such days to go
And Time may not be here"

"Well, you heard this?
This monologue of mine, within me?
Forget the distance,
When you hear it, reply back and reply soon..."

A Code, and then something

He could see it clear,
And stood confused,
Meaning?
He could get it clear,
as though words were being shouted aloud

It was a sign,
Of something gone wrong
Years later, he still recognized
The tattered, red dotted scarf

Time had left it untouched
As it remained tied to the window
Of that old run-down house
Standing the lone witness to the past gore

He had heard all about it,
The natives were only happy to gossip
and tell him tales
about the poor wretched girl who had lived there

She had lived all alone, with her child
after the untimely death of her parents,
and then disaster struck,
as her child too was taken away

She waited, all the time after
Sitting by the same window,
looking out, searching
As though help was on its way

And before long, she succumbed
to a broken heart , but still not before
tying up the red piece of cloth
some message to a certain someone

And the rest of the story wasn't very clear
He dint care about anything else
He knew now what he wanted to know,
And as he stood up looking at the scarf
He remembered the day he had gifted it to her

And the time he had left,
promising to return, soon
But now, it was all gone,
except the memories

He turned away,
on his way back,
A stranger to himself,
just the scarf remaining in his memory
forever long, forever after...

Sometimes..........

Sometimes some things happen
Those are the things that shake you
That make you think there cannot be greater pains
Those are the things that make you hate God
Those are the things that make you wish
That you never acted the way you did

Sometimes some things happen
Those are the things that shake you
Up to such joy that you are sure never to have felt before
Those are the things that make you sing in ecstasy
Those are the things that make you sure that God loves you
Those are the things that make you smile

Sometimes some things happen
Like the whistle of the wind
The voice of the blooming bud
Like the rustle of the trees in the breeze
The sound of the ocean in the conch
Like the singing of the bird in the tree
The song of the calm sea at night
Those are the things that leave the deepest impact inside you
Those are the things that make you happy to be living
Those are the things that make you love…………………………

Suffocated

Silence.....
It was all screaming at me
And well.... all I could ever hush back was a plea
"Let me go.... please.... I cant handle all this"

An evil laugh... silent, of course
Mockery, in its worst form
And I knew that I was going to be chained
With no sign of the grip loosening

"He is not going to help you now...."
And inside me the fear grew as the voice egged on,
"If you had believed all along that he will,
Well, no one could have been madder than you!"

"No, he will come, when he should...
When it isn't too late....
When I am still strong to handle this
When i still can get through unscathed"

"Fool!.... You are worse than I thought"
and all of them around seemed to be screaming
Finding extreme joy and unmatched happiness
in conspiring within to bring me to further pain

Undeterred, I quipped
Silent of course,
"None of you are right,
For the one who should is on his way back"

And for once, all were quiet
And the silence weighed down stronger,
And beneath the pain of this new lie,
I looked up to send a loud message
Of silent words of thanks

For having been my inspiration
For having been my source of smile
On many a lonely day,
To the one who should have been there all along but wasn't
To the one who should have started back, but hadn't...

A song in my heart, A tear in my eye

The blue skies yawned a lazy blue above me
Far away, in the distance, green speckled
the horizon paling down from gorgeous yellows
Dawn, that morning broke through clear

Twitters echoing, the morning melody
resonating call to everything to awaken
Slow moving birds filled the heights
Lazier, I trudged along, aimless in all this buzz

Petty reasons a-plenty
For this morning stroll of mine
Only I knew the deep desire
of mine, to walk through here this day, for a last time

Tomorrow will dawn new,
the same skies spreading wide
A distinct darker blue, no blue black
With smoke filling through, dark and deep

No green speckled valleys
Doubt if trees will ever grow green
And as for birds chirping
Maybe a few caws around

With me getting out of this place
Play of fate, into a concrete maze
Looking up to the sinister cities
To help me get ahead in life

Leaving behind this awe-inspiring place
Cutting off my deep rooted ties
Out through the lonely stretch of roads
Onto highways polluted and populated

Bittersweet, the irony called life
Leaving behind a dream
in search of newer ones
Leaping into mirages, leaving behind the clouds.

Innocence

It was fluttering in the wind
mildly, set off by the rickety old fan
And in that small humid room
the sound of that sheaf of papers echoed

Of course, when the kid entered the room,
That hot and sultry afternoon
All that drew her attention
were that clump of papers stapled together

Placed at one end of the table,
they beckoned at her childish desire
To make neat little paper boats and,
sail them in her little play tub

Hesitant, she approached, ready to flee
If ever anyone entered and found her there
But then she remembered that there was no one home
Other than her aged grandparents

No better time than this, she decided
And deftly the little hands worked
First tearing up little squares
And then folding and refolding

And soon after some minutes of
intense and concentrated work
the boats were ready to set sail
Away in the cold waters of that little tub

Gleefully, she watched them sail away
As they bobbed among the ripples, and innocently
Her interest withered as she watched them dampen and sink
Boats made out of her parents separation papers.......

The sound of life

Somehow, the sound of the wind has always held my fantasy
Echoing through, all around
Dieing down then, as abruptly as the start


Whispers spoken by the soft breeze
Across time and place
It has always spoken only words of calm
Serene,peaceful personified with the world slow-paced

A murmur, then echoed by the wind,
becoming a wee bit stronger
Edging on everything it comes across
Making the world move faster

When disguised as the tyrant storm
Masked by guileless anger
All around it, causing panic
Taking all the world around for a spin

But fascinating is
the peace before the storm,
A stillness before the upheaval
A beautiful phase, containing countless meanings
Mysteries entwined, time remaining caught

Miracles Materialise..... Visions hold true

As I try to remember
I realize time crosses swift
Of the many days spent in solitude
I can clearly remember just one

The day when magic happened
A moment that took form here
A dream, a wish, a want
Even now the surprise remains

Instant recognition
Forever I seemed to have known
Yet, it had to take that day
To happen throwing light on destiny

As I wandered around,
Unbelieving everything else
Time passed till now
Yet, each moment remains standstill
As each moment races past me.....

Speaking in Silence

The most intense emotions
are never spoken out loud
words in any language
become deficit when used

How can you describe
the love of a parent
the pain of a mute
the anger of a maimed

The crowd within a loner
the loner within a socialist
the revolution within a saint
or the hope within a pessimist?

Mere words..... spoken in any tongue
Submerge the increasing need within
to speak out feelings
And overrule human emotions

Rationale thoughts,
like a neat sloped flow
can be harnessed and expressed
unlike the hearts cries

Cries of anguish
cries of hope
cries of surprise
And cries of the soul

Silence, when called for
will express all this and more
for to any silent question
the answer can only be silence.

My Guardian Angel

Out of our own world
In an obscure place called Reality
Both of us met
Feathered up by ideals

I never knew the way
Until guidance came
In your form, to bring me to safe
But then as I looked around, I realized you were gone

I never searched and I never will
But somehow I will know
Whenever I want to
The lost passages of your path

Back in my own space of dreams
I realized that I am safe
And that whenever I think of you,
My guardian angel,
I know you are forever with me....

Wantings.....

There is a spine chilling silence in my room
That with its silent fingers claws into me
The room is a picture of cheerfulness
But echos a feeling of loneliness

Factually I have knowledge that I am not alone
Yet, my heart refuses to heed my brain
The misplaced feeling that I am all alone
Makes me want to give up my hopes

Without me wanting to, my thoughts rewind back to
When even the mere thought of misery was far fetched
When mistakes were forgiven and sorrows were endured
Smiles were remembered and love was returned

As a kid, those happy and carefree years
Jumping,playing, talking and hopping around
Safe in my mothers arms, playing with my father
Relishing the warmth of all the love showered

As a youth, those green and salad days
Dreaming, wanting to take life head on
Wanting to go places, wanting to be dynamic
Wanting to make a mark for myself in this world

As a bride, symbol of shyness
Enjoying all the festivities around
Knowing I am the crowned princess of the moment
Waiting eagerly for life to proceed beautifully

As a mother, the most enchanting phase of my life
Wanting to be with my children always
Feeling a feeling of ecstasy never experienced afore
Happy in their happiness, sharing their sorrows

Now, here I am,labeled aptly, a senior citizen
In this place, ironically a prison with luxuries
How my heart weeps when I think of my kids
And now, the wanting is only to be wanted...

Just For Now

Just for now, you said
Just this once
Trusted friendship to be not broken
I did allow you, for you

Just that time, you wanted no one
No one, not me, first
Connotations in your voice
I should have noticed

Just then you said, it was alright
Bright, eternal, were your eyes
Your last words to me, too
With that silent scream unheard

Why did you quit, my friend?
Why so suddenly?
Leaving me feeling guilty
Forever long, forever

Life must have been gray
Else you wouldn't have lost hope
Life must have been hard
Else you would have still been here

Now, as I sit, writing this
I am heartless, yes
Since no tear is shed
For you, for you my friend

Right now, your absence
Makes no impact
For just like you then
Am here, without me, all alone

Just for now, I have said
Just this once....
And trusting me, this time
All left, leaving me alone

You never thought of me
As you took your last breath
Well, friend, here I am
Going to reach you soon

As I think of you
Pain caresses me
Yes, here I come
Make place for me ...

Without You.....

You came into my life - amidst great expectations
One look at you and my life was never the same
You took over my heart, without me wanting to
You made me care for you, expecting nothing

You are everything that I want right now
My life revolves around you
I tend to you day and night
Strangely I do not resent it

You control me, look, I have even allowed you to boss over
For without you I cannot live, my dear
When you touch me, I realize in it the pure touch of God
When you call out to me, I realize the purpose of my being

Never leave me and go, until the time comes for me to part
Do not give me the pain of being without you near
Realize that without you, I am just yet another woman
For only you give me the sacred position of a mother...

Anything can be justified.....A traitor's story

He stood staring up
As the morning mist thickened
And the sun slowly slid
Behind engulfing clouds

A month's work, to be paid off
Today was the day
And from now till then
A few lengthy hours to pass

His hut, called home
Formed a poor shadow behind him
But emphasizing as it did
His poverty, his state of life

Too many to be fed
Too less available
And as the world kept growing
He seemed to fall deeper still

The creek resounded with twitters
The morning call of life
Hundreds of birds flew up
Oh! What couldn't he give to be them

And before his mind could wander further
A call, to him, loud and clear
He knew they had come, as usual
Yet, after all these years, his fears remained and returned

Silently, without a word between them
The goods exchanged owners
Money, to him, meager
His skills, taken shape, safe with them

As he watched them walk away
Stealthily to heaven knew where
He looked at the bag in his hands
His pay for the arms and for his silence

He was a traitor, to his nation
And he helped in its destruction
Making weapons to help others prove points
All that he ever knew in life, his livelihood

That night, as he sat to eat
Beside his youngest son, he saw
The light of innocent hunger in those little eyes
And in his own, a single tear formed and that spoke it all...........

Existing.......

Feelings cemented in,
Nights of wakefulness crossed
Days of nightmares endured
Dreams innumerable, dreamed consciously

Only favors wanted given
Those resented never remembered
Actions suppressed by the mere thought
Of pains that will be shared

Stones of cults belonged to
Imbibed somewhere deep within
Passing along messages in words
Whispers spoken by the heart

Periods of moods indulged in
Never remembered long after
Forgotten with a force
Taken out with the urge to do so

Never to know soulfully
What is really wanted
What is really needed
What is really right

Just to pass on hopefully
All the days that should go
So as to exist in here
Without life, Without soul....

Within me....

Watching inside me, I realised my mistake

thinking I knew all about you

I sometimes did never realise

The pain I put you through

Sometimes happy,sometimes sad

Mostly pained , mostly humbled

Times changd to all, yet never to me

Paths crossed never between you and me

Fingers pointd in your general direction

directions given to a heart lost

my soul turned around, inside out

frantically in search

crosses, bends, corners crisscrossed mentally

never shadowed by practicality

my heart in search of a dream,

dreamt long ago, eons back,

soulmates, you and I

rushing towards ourselves

blinded by pain, caused by others

and the answer, then, in my heart arose

pains vanished never to return

failures failed to rearise

me at peace now with you

just as ever , living within me...............

All Alone

Somehow the cool waters lapping at my feet seem warm and without feeling

The froth seems to lash out a hundred questions to me

Questions that cannot be answered, questions that cannot be asked aloud

Inter woven feelings in my heart voice out anonymous words

The river is in spate, yae, for all the world save me

No way am I going to move out from there, whatever they say

The one place in here that I call my own

The one place where my heart belongs to and rests in

Anchored safely at the banks is my life

Bittersweet memories forming ropes that chain me to this very place

All my life, all my life

Where else will I live if not here

Whatever happens shall not affect me anymore

For I have come all the way round

My life has traveled the full circle

And forever shall rest here, yea, my soul

Guilt

He sat pale against the wall, a tramp
His pale self blending against the gray,
An unnoticed uncared for stranger
Not one in the bustling crowd cared.

He looked ancient,though he had seen just sixty summers,
No one wanted to spare any time for him;
Though even if one had stopped and spoken to him,
He wouldn't have heard, for he was away,far away.

In his own world of distant thoughts,those
That kept mercilessly repeating themselves
Those that did not leave him in peace
Those that haunted him time and again.

He, a survivor of a war that had rocked the world
He,who had been safe and secure in his home,
He,who had ensured that he and his family fled to safety;
He,who had been too busy with himself

Than to help that poor little boy who
one night had come knocking at his door;
Asking for safety ,ever so politely,ever so softly,
He remembered thinking how that boy resembled his own son,

Those eyes,oh how so innocent,were filled with fear,
and that quivering voice pronounced his nervousness,
"Everybody has been killed,"he explained,
"They killed my family and every other too."

Then the man understood that this kid
had run away from the next village,
The villagers having faced the wrath of the raiders
when they resisted their tyranny.

"It is this,"the boy continued,"this that they want."
He held up a shining medallion,
the pride of that village,some ancient treasure of theirs,
That had so far been in their holy shrine,now in those grubby little hands.

It was then that the sound was heard
And both instantaneously turned around,
the man knew that the blood thirsty hounds were back,
Unfeelingly,fearing his own safety,he shut the door close.

Outside he could hear the boy yelling,
the harsh voices of unseen men,
And even as he heard the footsteps fade;
Clearly, he could hear the gunshot in that night.

Involuntarily, the old man shuddered,
became momentarily aware of his surroundings;
then the pavement and the sea of people faded;
As the innocent face of the boy focused
And the ringing sound of the gunshot could be heard.

Ah! sometimes guilt ,call it an albatross,can lead to harder journeys than crime.

Silence.....

Sometimes it is wise to be silent
when life seems to be the only voice
booming around in all its vigour
sans frivolity, sans fun

when words fail
when thoughts overrule
when actions seem sudden enough to be realised
when the heart whispers afraid to be heard
mouthless souls talking words

when peace eludes, when peace succumbs
to the war occurin unknown inside
silence takes over commanding faith
and voiceless belief, since there is nothing to emote

quakes of the mind settle into even greater tremors
thoughts crash around
some submerging some errupting
and as the soul realises, the battle still remains unfought.........

Tug at the soul

Atop that silent hill, awaiting peacefully
Sit the remarks of life long gone away
Remembrances of an ancient civilisation
That flourished and decayed right there

The mountain still holding the faith
Having been the dead centre of life
Providing to all life there,
From then, onto now.....

As the climb ensues, the group of people
Delegated to find sources
That can prove plenty about the life
Move up, growing silent with each step ahead

Hours later, they reach their target
The ledge right on the crown
Of that blue black inert mountain
And start to look around for traces

Something must be there
To be found by all their science
No, after days of camping there
They return features of failure

And still all the while, when they were there
The identity that they had sought
The key to unravel the chasm of knowledge
Had been so within their reach,if only had they cared

Whatever brought them there
Whatever made them search
The same call,still echoing
If only they had listened

Rocks examined,soil tested
Trees and plants biologically dated
Land dug,specimen taken
Various geographical parameters analysed

Yet, none of them heard
The soulful call of the mountains
The voice that might have lead them
Straight to enlightenment,had they been awake

Clouded by science,crowning knowledge
Yet in their souls,pitifully ignorant
Listening through ears,seeing through eyes
Analysing using their brains, yet shut out to their hearts

Casting away haunting lyrics
Refusing the singular music
Ignoring the pained tug at their souls
Being true but not to the truth

Frightened by fallacies
Freaking creatures of life
Forever doomed to not know
The seed that began it all

Men, mighty in brawn
Doubtful at heart
Placing hope in the fickles of life
Never faith in the power of the self

Dreary bodies trudging through their doom
On and on, onto the final act
Rising up, never completely
Stooped by ignorance, burdened forever...

Simply Life

The tracks of life runneth over
From here to nowhere
Letting us remain in darkness
About the destination to be reached

Where is the end? Where was the beginning?
Never to be traced
Never to be understood
Leaving doubts about the journey

Yet, once boarded, it is foolish to let go halfway through
To stop and quit instead of stay and fight
To give up, when the challenge is to endure
Against time, fate, destiny,unseen forces, looming omnious

Meeting new people, myriad in their selves
Souls all equal, minds yet remain unset
Knowing unknowingly about others
Judging through hearts, never complete in thoughts.

Moments of darkness, Moments of despair
Moments of pain, Moments of doubts
Joining hands, hearts, minds
United the journey is undergone
Yet, arriving each to themselves, each alone........